Tuesday, May 17, 2011


"Does this blue tux make me look like a fag?"

I have no idea how to attack this animal, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

Being in grade 12, my prom is coming up in the next month. Despite the fact that my shitty grades (along with the lure of having one last shot at playing for a provincial football title) are forcing me to come back for one more year of school, this is truly the defining moment that every teenager has before moving out of the house.

For the girls, it gives them a chance to look nice, wear the dresses that they have been sneaking peeks at during class for the last few years, and create memories that will last a lifetime. Talking to a few women in my classes, the consensus is this: "It's like a practice for getting married."

Whoa, I didn't sign up for that shit, which leads me to my next point...

For the guys, well, just watch American Pie, and you'll understand what I mean.

I'm not saying that some dudes don't like prom; personally, I'm excited for it. Any excuse to rock a suit, along with gellin' back the flow, ahhhhhhhhhh, so thick! ("Thick" is a term created by my father's friend Derek Pyne, who used it to describe something that was good or great ((modern day, think: sick, ill, dirty)). "Thick" is an example of Pynese -- remember this, this is important.) But when it comes to things like photos, flowers, the actual "asking to prom" part, well, that's not our forte.

This week, me and the boys are going to go suit shopping, hopefully finding something that doesn't make us look like complete douches. The general consensus is that we will have something on out attires that matches our date's dresses (cause, you know, were classy like that).

We go over all the scenarios; how do we ask someone? Do we ask someone who we like, or someone as a friend? Do we ask it in a way that would make someone assume we're from San Francisco? What if she says no, do we ask someone else? Once we have a date, do we need to buy a corsage? Does our tie have to match their dress? What kind of suit should we buy?

That's only for the actual prom, which nobody with a dick truly cares about. There's a little thing called after-prom, something we take an invested interest in.

For that, we go over: beer, smokes, clothes, food, beer, money, transportation, sleeping arrangements, beer, condoms, whiskey, wheeling techniques, beer, and other mandatory essentials.

Oh, and beer.

Holy fuck it's stressful...and that's just for guys.

I won't go into the details of what prom means to women, frankly because:

A) I don't completely understand

B) I try to keep my articles under 5000 words

C) Women scare the shit out of me, and I wouldn't want to piss any of them off with my opinion.

So instead, I went straight to the horses mouth. I asked a few girls what their personal feelings were about prom, and this was their response:

"...Prom is a fairy tale; it's when boys make girls feel special, when girls all look their best and months before prom they are all waiting for someone to prompose to them...prom is one day, one night, but its forever remembered. You talk about it to your kids, about your high school crush, who sometimes becomes more then just that. At prom, every girl wants to feel like a princess."

"Prom means spending an excessive amount of money for the simple and short lived thrill of painting your face and spraying your hair to please a boy who probably doesn't care...but its worth it."

"It's kind of a fun opportunity for a lot of people to dress up and have one last she-bang with all the kids in the grade."

Hmmm, interesting. To even things up (here at Feels Like '93, we are all about equality), I asked a few of my boys. This was what they had to say:

"The thing you sit through to get to afterprom."

"Threesomes and alcohol."


"Temporary amnesia."

Eeesh, guess it differs between the two genders.

OK, time for me to break this like the ice at a speed-dating clinic; here's my take:

Prom is the event that girls have looked forward to since the start of grade nine, while guys just remember it after their girlfriends just shit on their Valentine's Day gifts last February.

It's the last chance for everyone to see everybody, considering most people will be gone for university/college the next year.

It's where I can slam back a few beers and smoke up a few cigars with my boys for the after-prom weekend.

It's where I can use the pickup line that I came up with in grade ten but was too much of a pussy to use over the last two years.

It's where I can have deep conversations in a drunken haze with people I've seldom spoken to over the past four years, yet get to know them without any effort over the course of a few hours.

It's where I don't have to listen to my parents tell me what's right and what's wrong for 96 hours.

It's where I can show off the (lack of) abs that I've been working on since December.

It's a place and time that I know I'll remember for the rest of my life.

It's where, in about ten years, I'll be looking at old photos, laughing and memorizing, reliving what are supposed to be the glory years of my young life.

It's when, for a short amount of time, there's nothing holding us back; that we are whatever we want to be, with nobody stopping us.

That's how I feel, and I stand by it. We can nitpick at the little things, worry about potential situations and fuck ups, but we have to understand the main thing -- this is prom.

And trust me, it's going to be legend -- and I hope you're not lactose intolerant, because the next part is -- dairy.

1 comment :

  1. Solid article! Pretty much covered everyone's views and whatnot, can't wait for (after)prom!