Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Huntzy's Susan Glenn

The other day, it dawned on me -- if you're a young male -- how many women revolve in our lives, and how much emotion we can invest in them. As I type this paragraph, I'm looking at the sidebar on Facebook, and I can see one-two-three-FOUR girls that I had either a) had a crush on, b) hooked up with, or c) dated for a period of time. Each and every one of these girls meant a lot to me at some point or another. And they still do. Despite the fact I'm single and not with anyone at the moment, each of those young women still have a big influence on my life, even if I don't see them on a regular basis. 

And while all that is just apart of growing up, and could probably qualify for a lost episode of The Wonder Years, there is always that one you wish you made a move on, or wish you did a bit better with. That girl who you wanted to ask out, but were too afraid to do so; her presence would make you sweat a little bit, and you'd always try to make yourself look a little bit better whenever you saw her. If you had a class with her, you would try to dress nicer; if you sat at her table at lunch, you would try to eat healthier; if you sat beside her at ANY point in time, echos of your parents screaming "Be on your best behaviour!" would ring through your head. But, for some reason, whether she was dating someone at the time, or the opportunity to hang out never came, or you just weren't brave enough to just go out and talk to her, she would always be "the one that never was".

This girl is your Susan Glenn.

We all have one, whether you know it or not. Just go back in your lifetime and think about a girl (ladies, if there's a guy who you went through the same scenario with, this qualifies too) who you never ended up kissing, or going out with, or doing anything with, period. But for as long as the night is dark, they have found a way to remain in your psyche. Odds are, she was probably the first girl that you liked for her personality, not just her looks; of course, she was still beautiful, and remained untouched compared to other girls.

That stuff sticks like glue. It stays with you for long periods of time, and can be impossible to shake off. Even if you're in the middle of a relationship that you are happy and satisfied in, one can't but help let the mind wander, and ask themselves "what could have been". I'd be lying if I said I don't think of that. I'd be lying if I said I don't think about those couple of girls that you wish it ended better with, or you wish the relationship lasted a bit longer, or -- the Susan Glenn -- you wish there was a relationship to begin with. 

Even now as I continue to develop through college and work and family, there is always this one particular girl who pops in my mind every so often. Me and her still talk from time to time, and try to grab a coffee whenever possible. We were close-to-best friends at one point in high school, and I would have given up anything in the world to have gone out on an actual date with her. I remember walking through the halls and seeing her, getting that lump in my throat, not really sure how to react or how to approach her. This lasted from grade 9 to grade 12. But throughout that time, I just never had the courage to ask her out on a date. Hell, even asking just to "hang out" took some major balls on my part. I was a chicken, and wasn't afraid to admit it. 

High school ended, and we seldom spoke to each other. She dated other guys, and I began to date other girls. Hell, it's only been recently that we started speaking to each other again, and even then, it's only the odd text every so often. But whatever time we do get to spend with each other, I enjoy it. Even though I'm not head-over-heels anymore, and the odds of the two of us ever getting together are slim-to-none (as much as I'd like to change that), I cherish being able to have her as a friend and in my life. 

That's when you know it's special. That's when you know that this girl had a profound impact on you, and meant something to you -- that you're willing to not go as far as you'd like, and still want her to be apart of you. You still want her to hang out with you, and grab coffee with you, and do things that friends -- and only friends -- do. And as a man who has someone like that in his life, I think it's pretty damn brave of us guys to accept that. 

But, every so often, no matter how much I've settled on "just being friends" and have moved on; no matter how many dates and new relationships and feelings come into my lifetime, I'll see her name on Facebook or Twitter, and think to myself, "Damn, missed my shot." That's just apart of growing up.

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